New Yorkers, what annoys you? Is it how it seems impossible to catch a cab in the rain? Is it the persistent noise? Maybe it’s unidentifiable smell of Chinatown on a summer day?

After seeing a recent list of what annoys New Yorkers, we, at Vimbly, would like to fix this. Here are classes we’d love to offer, but they don’t exist—kind of like smell-o-vision or a subway ride without the scent of urine.

Roach Killing:

“What is…? Kill it! Wait, is it dragging my tennis racket?!”

These critters linger between your walls, hide in your sink, and crawl to your crumbs. Friends tell fables about cockroaches flying, eating through concrete…and pushing bowling balls.

After years of harassing New Yorkers, many of us have entered full-blown insect warfare, trying everything short of carpet-bombing the suckers—insect Dresden. Foot combat proves time-consuming. Weaponry, like a day-old Times, proves messy. And modern tactics, like boric acid and caulk, prove oddly ineffective but strangely damaging to cats (company cat Winston is fine!).

Here’s a current layout of the city’s cockroach problem:

*The darker the orange, the more homes affected in that area.

As you can see, Manhattan, for the most part, is low on roaches—with the exception of Chinatown (is that really a surprise to anyone?). Harlem, northern Brooklyn, and the Bronx are trouble areas.

Although the roach population has been declining over the past few years, surprise infestations still occur, leaving apartment residents spooked and paranoid—once you find a roach on your face, every nightly itch seems like it could turn into a rescue mission from Die Hard.

Wouldn’t it be nice to learn how to fight cockroaches when the time arrives? Orkin and geckos, we need your advice!

NYC Walking Guidelines:

The group of three, the walker talker, the drunken walker, the jay walker, the street walker, the speed walker, the saunter, and, worst of all, the tourist stroll through the city streets at all hours of the day (did we enter a Seinfeld episode?). Some follow simple street etiquette, and others live to endlessly frustrate every walker in their trail.

What drives New Yorkers up the wall?

Slow walkers—and subway blockers.

Much like a driver’s education course, New Yorkers should have to pass a basic “Walker education” course, learning rules such as:

  • No walking three across
  • Stay right
  • Window shop in the window shop zone
  • Don’t stop in the middle of a walking zone
  • Weave only when permitted
  • Always maintain a brisk speed. That means no mosey, no saunter, no lingering, no loitering, no meandering, no rambling, no traipsing, and no dilly-dallying.

Failure to comply by the above rules can result in a minor fine or, preferably, an ankle bracelet that ensures the walker maintains a pace of at least 3 mph at all times.

In addition to learning the rules, students also learn how to properly weave, quite possibly the most difficult street maneuver, in and out of walking traffic. Those who can’t weave terrorize traffic through trips, bumps, and the dreaded coffee spills. But, to the few masters, the weave has a ripe history with high-five-worthy moments like just-making-the-subway and getting-to-work-on-time.

Nostril Control:

What does NYC smell like?

Car exhaust? Wasted dreams? A lingering perfume of pizza and urine?

We asked a bunch of strangers if they could describe the smell for us.

But what’s the worst smell?

What should the city smell like? Personally, we think lilac is nice or new-car-smell or bacon. And we’d love to smell only such delectable scents. If any rhinologists are reading, we would like to formally propose a class dedicated to scent control. Fresh mint is good. Rotting tuna is bad.

Subway stairs smell can be replaced by an amplified version of a woman’s perfume or the soft cotton of your sweatshirt.

How wonderful does this world sound?

 

Pickpocketing 101:

Pickpocketing resides as a proud criminal tradition in America: an America where stealing wasn’t bad as long as it was done cleverly. An America with Johnny Hooker’s and Danny Ocean’s conning their way to justice. And an America where this was pretty cool — as long as it didn’t happen to you.

Due to the transition from cash to credit cards and youngsters preferring to use guns instead of swift fingers, pickpockets have dissipated into a lost art. Today, most pickpockets are elderly and unwilling to risk the stiff penalty for very nimble (get it!) sleight of hand.

Even still, considering Hollywood’s glamorization of the craft, who wouldn’t want to outwit passers-by (your friends) with a quick lift of the watch or clutch of the wallet?

Understanding Accents

If living in New York has taught you anything, it’s that you can see, hear, or speak to someone from any country in the world at any moment. There’s more diversity in a subway car than there is in some states—looking at you North Dakota.

With over one-hundred-seventy different languages spoken and a foreign-born population of nearly 3 million (36% of the city’s total population), New York houses the most diverse city in the country—part of what makes this city so great. What comes with that territory? Sometimes it’s nearly unintelligible English—whether it’s Chinese-English, Italian-English, or Brooklynese.

Research shows the easiest way to understand an accent is through constant exposure. Even when you understand an accent, your brain subconsciously questions each word. For example, a waiter asks you, “Would you enjoy a caramel sundae?” but your mind reconfigures it as, “would you eat a camel today?”

So how can you understand your Little Italy waiter when your daily exposure to Italians is right around zero?

A class would help!

To any New Yorkers experienced in answering the above questions, Vimbly will gladly list and take your class!

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