Tom
Dear Dad,
Roses are red,
Roses I won’t buy,
So here’s some soup,
And a neck tie.
Happy Father’s Day!
To quickly compare Mother’s Day and Father’s day, here are a few facts: On Mother’s Day, we spend $14.6 billion compared to the $9.4 billion on Father’s Day. Additionally, 91% of people believe Mother’s Day is more important than Father’s Day. One more fact: The U.S. congress declared Mother’s Day a national holiday in 1914. It wasn’t until…1972 when National Father’s Day was instituted.
Now, while we bless our mother’s with flowers, breakfast-in-bed, and nostalgic macaroni cards, some of us gift dad some slippers or Outback Steakhouse gift card or maybe a finger-puppet of the month membership.
So what shouldn’t you do?
1. The Hygiene Kit: A hygiene kit pretty much says, “Dad, I love you, but shave the unibrow and get rid of that toe nail.” Dad doesn’t need soap and nail clippers. What happened to ruggedness? What happened to dad’s emanating oak and aged peat?
Instead: Introduce the man to cigars. He can learn how to cut, light, ash, and smoke a fine Diamond Crown. This is the real manscape.
2. The Novelty Item: Knick-knacks, tchotchkes, whatchamacallits, and kitten clocks offer little to a man known to don flannel and soft side for puppies. And there’s only so much fun you can have with matching Hamburgler ketchup and mustard bottles.
Instead: Give a life skill, the art of manliness, a woodworking class. Let the man tune his inner artist and lumberjack.
3. The Cologne or Aftershave: No matter how much mom loves it, dad shouldn’t smell like “royal fragrance” or fresh pineapple. He shouldn’t wake up every morning and discard the night’s bristled adventures.
Instead: Send him to the woods for survival boot camp on a hiking adventure and let him live off the land…and maybe wrestle a bear. He’ll wear the truest odor of all—sweat and pine.
4. The Neck Tie: Does this really need explanation? Gifting a neck tie is essentially surrendering to the idea of a gift. A neck tie is the gift of disappointment. You gave a closet decoration.
Instead: Tie a different knot. Not marriage and not new shoes. Take him sailing. In a three hour crash-course, the main man of your life can adventure like Columbus and discover a new world…fifteen minutes away.
5. The “World’s Greatest Dad”: C’mon. You’re not even trying! You’re better off purchasing a more honest T-shirt/coffee mug. How about “World’s okay-est Dad?” Or “World’s most kind of embarrassing dad?” Better yet, “World’s Only Dad to Forget Their Kid in an Arby’s Parking Lot in Eastern Indiana in 1997.”
Instead: Homebrewing Basics. Beer solves everything. With this gift, you’re giving him alcohol and a hobby.
6. The Joke Gift: Whether it be an obituary or a pole dancing class, joke gifts are great only in small doses.
Instead: Combine the subtly of spray-on hair with the seriousness of a porterhouse and you, my friend, perfected Father’s Day.
7. The Gift for Yourself that you’re giving dad because you forgot about Father’s Day: In theory, the “Coo coo for Cocoa Puffs” t-shirt, two sizes too small, that won’t fit over his tender gut, seems like a good idea. In theory, any gift seems better than no gift. In this case, your theory’s incorrect.
Instead: Buy the man a six-pack of his favorite beer or soda—or his beverage of choice—plop on a lawn chair, and take in some rays.
8. The No Card, NOTHING!
Instead: Surprise him.
9. The “Of the Month” Membership: Spam or delivery service? Either way, there are better ways to say “I love you” than a monthly shipment of grape jelly.
Instead: For those looking to gift food, bake something or buy in bulk. Rather than Bacon of the Month Club, invest in a side cut of beef—that’s 250 pounds of fresh cow. That way, if dad wants a five pound hamburger, dad gets a five pound hamburger.
10. The Satchel, Fedora, or any other Cheesy Gimmick: Umm…no explanation needed.
Instead: Considering all goofy gifts, the fanny pack reigns supreme. It’s funny. It’s practical. And who wants to steal a fanny pack?