Sometimes you wanna go WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME. But what about when you’ve just moved to a new city, where no matter where you go, nobody knows your name? Oh man, does that sound scary. Especially if that city is New York City, where everyone is so mean that you wouldn’t even want to be friends with them.

Luckily for you, we’ve been around the block a few times before (three times, to be precise). And while it may be difficult to make friends with each and every New Yorker in town, we’re tenaciously working on it, and we’ve decided to share our unproven strategies with you. Sorry Drake, but we’re cruising straight toward New Friend City, regardless of what you say, and we’re taking everybody else here along for the ride. Just try and stop us.

This can be YOUR LIFE.

This can be YOUR LIFE.

First off, it is VERY important for you to be abnormally spontaneous. Never go to the same place twice, because that would make you BORING, and NO ONE likes a boring person. Avoid frequenting establishments like gyms, bars, or music venues because the last thing you’d ever want to do is develop a routine where you’ll run into the same people with the same hobbies and interests as you over and over again. Instead of focusing on getting to know people, you want to just meet the greatest quantity of people you can.

Pop quiz: What does everybody like? WINNERS, of course — even Charlie Sheen knows that. If you want to make friends, you have to win at everything. And to win at everything, you have to be competitive. ALL. THE. TIME. Picture yourself getting on the subway. Did you wait for everyone else to get off before boarding? You’ve already lost, the friends are slipping through your fingers like the sands of time through an hourglass. Nice job, dude.

Here’s how it’s really done: When those subway doors open, RACE through ‘em like a bat out of hell and scour for an open seat, regardless of any vulnerable bystanders. Because, in this rat race of sorts, the only way you’ll succeed in making new friends in NYC is by out running them — beating them to the last available subway seat, ticket line at the movies, least expensive apartment, and next job posting (in THIS economy!?).

DUH.

DUH.

This one may be a rather enticing trap considering you spend 40+ hours a week with these people, but for the love of whoever you believe in, please ignore your “friendly” coworkers. Are you trying to become a workaholic? The more you develop a relationship with the people at your place of employment who share similar talents, interests, and skills as you, the more time you’ll start spending with them. And guess what’s going to come up in conversation 90% of the time? WORK. How redundant. We’ll pass on the team-building events and the after work happy hours, or having lunch together — thank you very much.

Do they seem like a fun group to you?

Do they seem like a fun group to you?

It’s so much easier to make ALL the friends in your new city if you plug in those headphones every single place you go. Shopping? Headphones. Commute to work? Headphones. Coffee shop? Definitely headphones. Here’s some food for thought: Everybody loves music, right? So what better way to bond with potential friends than by showing the world you have refined taste in music or audiobooks or anything else you could possibly be listening to? Make sure you keep those earbuds in tight, and turn your jams all the way up as if to say, “I’m an open person, be my friend!”

He can vouch for us!

He can vouch for us!

And while you’re listening to music, be sure to only make eye contact with your cellphone, NOT other people. Eye contact with strangers can be intimidating. You wouldn’t want to scare away your entire pool of potential new friends, right? The best way to avoid this is to stare directly at your phone screen, AT. ALL. TIMES. This is also an effective theft prevention technique, as nobody can steal your smartphone if you’re currently looking at it. As you walk around the city, a few bucks richer from all the insurance money you didn’t have to spend, you’ll notice other people doing the same exact thing. See? You look just like a local, assimilation is already happening, and that’s going to make you 100x more of a desirable friend to native New Yorkers!

Exactly.

And speaking of assimilation, make sure you stay in your apartment all the time, ordering food off Seamless and binge watching Netflix, as these are two of the holiest pillars of city livin’. At first, this may seem counterproductive, but let me assure you, if you want to make friends, first you have to fit in. This is a great way to prove you can be antisocial with the best of ‘em. May we recommend sushi or pizza, to the tune of Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, Orange is the New Black, and  Breaking Bad? Those are some very popular New York food choices and television shows, so that once you’ve actually made the friends, you’ll have something to talk to them about. See? We really are setting you up for success!

Maybe next time!

Maybe next time!

There will come a day, however, when you absolutely have to venture out into the outside world, and when you do, make sure to loudly complain about everything you hate, nay, merely notice about New York. The smell? Ugh. The tourists? HEY, I’M WALKIN’ HERE. The prices? Fuhgeddaboutit. New Yorkers like their friends like they like their coffee: bitter and cold. Strive for that and the friends will be showing up on your doorstep in no time! (That’s if you even have a doorstep; I mean, have you seen these prices? Gosh.)

When it comes to friends, we really know what we’re talking about, as evident by the fact that everyone here at Vimbly has at least two good acquaintances. But in all seriousness, if you’re guilty of any — or all — of these antisocial/borderline psychotic behaviors, then it’s no wonder you’re having trouble making friends. Remember, though this city sure can get lonely sometimes, you are not alone. It’s seems scary to put yourself out there, but we’re certainly not going to suggest you act like an overeager freak and introduce yourself to random people on the subway (note to self: Google if that can actually get you arrested.)

If you want to spend your next Saturday night with someone other than Liz Lemon and a personal pizza (though to be honest, why would anything else even be necessary?), unplug the headphones and log off of Netflix. Get out there, and treat the friends like the Pokémon they are. GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL.

 

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