If “bottomless brunch” makes you think of an endless buffet selection, you are clearly not from the Big Apple.
And if we had a New York minute, we’d be sorry about that.
But if you do happen to live in The City That Never Sleeps and bottomless brunch still makes you think of banana pancakes and cinnamon french toast…?
Well, we’re here to make sure you don’t waste your precious weekend afternoons from here on out.
So what does bottomless brunch mean?
Lots of booze.
All you can get down (and keep down) in an hour and a half.
Your choice of: mimosas, bellinis, champagne, margaritas, sangria, and more.
You’ll lose count of how many drinks you have because you’ll never see the bottom of your glass.
It is not for the faint-hearted.
It is not for the average club rat.
It is not for the unprepared.
Bottomless brunch is a complex occasion with many internal contradictions, so we’ve compiled a short and sweet, but complete, beginner’s guide for you. Do’s and Don’ts accompanied by appropriate GIFS so you know what’s in store.
1) DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE POTENCY OF MIMOSAS
They’re cute and tangy, but you won’t be after two glasses.
DO: Chug, chug, chug.
2) DON’T COME FOR THE FOOD
No one’s there for the food.
DO: Order carbs and finish your meal. You’re gonna need all the stomach lining you can get.
3) DON’T EAT A HEARTY PRE-BRUNCH MEAL BEFOREHAND
The name of the game is to get trashed.
DO: If you’re a lightweight, please eat beforehand.
4) DON’T MAKE OTHER PLANS FOR THE DAY
You won’t make them.
DO: Keep your personal hangover cure ready on your bedside table.
5) DON’T GO WITH THAT ONE FRIEND WHO “CHOOSES NOT TO DRINK BUT DOESN’T MIND IT WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DO”
They mind. And they’re also going to order dry fettuccine, eat all your food, and judge you.
DO: Go with that one friend who “can handle their liquor” but somehow always ends up puking. That’ll make you look better.
6) DON’T GO WITH PEOPLE YOU SECRETLY HATE (OR LOVE)
You’re gonna be as candid as Phoebe Buffay by 1 PM (at the very latest).
DO: Bring friends who know you better than you know yourself.
7) DON’T COME HUNGOVER
We get it. You’re a darned party animal. You brought in the weekend with tequila shots at an overpriced club way out of your budget and now you can’t stand the sight of alcohol or food.
So what are you doing at brunch?
Yeah. Go home.
DO: Limit yourself to a drink or two the night before a scheduled brunch. Or get a good night’s sleep if you’re of the overexcited sort.
8) DON’T SHOW UP AT BRUNCH WITHOUT A CONFIRMATION TEXT
You left home without an “I’m up and brunch is still on” text and now you’re waiting on the sidewalk because you can’t be seated until the rest of your party has arrived. REAL amateur move. After all, bottomless brunch plans rarely see the morning light!
Why? Because it just so happens that a mere 12 hours ago, it was a Friday night. Turnin’ up really takes it out of you.
So if you made plans to meet at the closest bottomless brunch venue at 11 AM, chances are your friends are still in bed at 10:59 AM and also 11:30 AM.
DO: Text, call, and harass your fellow brunchers with threatening emails until you are certain they’re in the shower.
9) DON’T FOLLOW THIS GUIDE WITH PRECISION
As much as we’d love to ensure your first bottomless brunch goes smoothly, we can’t. There are certain situational factors you must take into account.
But you’re smart enough to follow social cues, aren’t you?
DO: When in doubt, follow this guide with absolute precision.
Good luck, get set, GO!