It’s early Sunday morning, and the betches are beat.
They had a late night celebrating their main betch’s 21st birthday, and then only got to sleep until noon before their scheduled time for brunch. With thoughts of mimosas and avocado toast on their mind, they rise to the occasion and prepare.
By 1:00 p.m. they’re dressed to the nines in flowy floral dresses and small heels that increase their travel time immensely. Each of them sports a different pair of circular, John-Lennon looking glasses in an attempt to hide their raging hangovers.
They strut down the streets and ooze confidence, casually sipping XL bottles of Smart Water and Gatorade in a desperate attempt to flush their systems of last night’s tequila, and prepare themselves for the meal ahead.
They turn the corner towards the hottest brunch place in downtown Manhattan, and stop short. There is a line of fancy-looking people twisting out the door.
No one planned for this. Wouldn’t their late arrival time miss the mad brunch rush? It’s devastation, and it only gets worse when they find out there’s a 1.5 hour wait. They partake in a chorus of “Oh My God’s” and “I literally can’ts.”
Last night’s birthday betch slumps to sit on a step, putting her fancy chiffon dress at risk of city grime.
By the look in her eyes, it’s evident she won’t make it 1.5 hours without some form of hangover nourishment.
But head betch has a plan.
She steps forward, removing herself from the collection of her helpless, confused friends.
“I have something better than avocado toast,” she states, addressing the group and establishing herself as head betch. “It’s called Vimbly.”
The betches wince. Something new? How hipster and not mainstream of them. But alas, with the line showing no sign of movement, they give Vimbly a chance and look under the “eat” category.
“Bright Lights and Broadway Bites” shows up and there is a shriek.
“I LOVE Broadway,” says one of the betches.
“Yeah that show Hamlet is amazing.”
“I think you mean Hamilton, Brittany.”
So it’s settled. The betches are doing brunch NYC-walking-tour style.
1:30 p.m. The Betches Meet their Tour guide
Four out of seven whisper “dibs” under their breath when the cute tour guide approaches. He’s also an actor. They instantly fall in love. He is indeed, better than avocado toast.
1:45 p.m. Second: Betches Hit Food Stop #1
In the excitement of food, the betches wolf down spot number one’s famous black and white cookies before even listening to the history behind why they are stopping there.
One of the betches denies the cookies, still bitter that no one chose to do the Vegan Walking Tour of the Financial District. This betch frequently wears things like ‘vegan leather’ and posts things with the hashtag #eatclean. She’s 100% vegan except for when she drunk-eats chicken nuggets. Super into yoga.
2:00 p.m. Betches Hit Food Stops #2-3
The betches scarf down these desserts in a similar fashion to stop #1. It is after stop #3 that they realize perhaps dessert wasn’t the best way to follow a night of margaritas and tequila sunrises. Their walking pace slows down and they begin to think maybe they should’ve left the wedges at home and let comfort trump style for once. They learn a valuable lesson on this day.
2:10 p.m. En Route to Food Stop #4
The hunky tour guide references the show Wicked, and before he can finish his sentence there are seven shrill voices screaming off-tune lyrics and waving their arms dramatically to “Defying Gravity.”
2:30 p.m. Food Stops #4-5
Between the tour guide’s informative talks on Broadway, the betches discuss how impossibly full they are.
By stops four and five they premise every treat with “I’ll just have a bite,” followed by “I can’t believe I just ate that whole thing” once they devour the delicious one-of a kind dessert.
3:15 p.m. Final Food Stop #6
Only 3 out of the 7 betches claim they have room for the last desert. Despite not eating the bite-sized cream puff, betch #4 Instagram’s it anyway with the caption, “And it TASTED even better!”
The betches leave Broadway with their stomachs full, their hearts happy, and their Fitbits satisfied. They take turns emphatically hugging their tour guide just long enough for it to be strangely more intimate than needed, and then head home for a five hour nap before they start the rest of their day.