“In the car/I just can’t wait/To pick you up on our very first date…”
Ahh, the first date: the anticipation, the excitement, the overload of cologne, the excessive outfit changes, there is truly nothing quite like it. Blink-182 even immortalized this sacred event in one of their biggest hits.
But it must be said, while few things are sweeter or more precious than a good first date, few things are more side-splittingly hilarious than an awful one.
How do I know this?
I met up with a ton of millennials and got their worst first-date stories.
Turns out, truth really is stranger than fiction.
And extremely amusing.
(All identities have been withheld to avoid bad ju-ju of future first dates.)
15.) “I had a first date that lasted 15 minutes. Literally. We met for dinner at 7:00 and by 7:15, I was reaching for my bag, out the door. He went from asking me how my day was to asking me to introduce myself to his mom over Facetime. Huh?! Check, please.”
14.) “I was on a date with a girl who told me she had a plan to poison her boss. I was smiling, listening, expecting a ‘just kidding’ at the end. There was no ‘just kidding.'”
13.) “I was in the first grade and we were spending recess together. I passed her a heart-shaped note that said ‘I like you.’ She said, ‘Ewwwww,’ and then proceeded to run away, which I interpreted as ‘Thank you; however, I am seven years old right now and I am really trying to focus on learning to count to 100.’ I was devastated at first, but then I understood.”
12.) “One time, a guy hyped up this restaurant he was going to take us to. When we were seated, he looked at me and said he wasn’t going to have anything because he ‘accidentally already ate.'”
11.) “She left when I went to the bathroom. True story, bro.”
10.) “OkCupid date. Saw him from across the street of where we were meeting. Not the guy from the picture. Left.”
09.) “This girl started crying in the car explaining how she got an abortion when she was younger and she always regretted it. All I asked her was how her week had been.”
08.) “A guy I had a crush on for forever asked me to go to a comedy show. When I got there, I saw that he had also brought his girlfriend with him. Friendzoned…I didn’t even see it coming.”
07.) “This guy was so high, he couldn’t even hold a conversation…until the topic of Cheech and Chong came up.”
06.) “One time in college a guy insisted on picking me up, even though everything was within walking distance. Then he showed up at my apartment in a ’98 convertible mustang, bright yellow with black racing stripes, it was loud. So gross. I wanted to cancel right then but I felt bad for him, because he was clearly wearing his finest blouse. I got in the car and immediately let him know I only had time for coffee. But then he passed like 10 cafes because he wanted me to hear the rest of this Santana song that wouldn’t end. He continued to drive past the strip until the highway turned into a curvy mountain road, and it was getting dark. (By the way, in November it is way too cold to be cruising with the top down.) He kept talking about the car and speaking in some romance language he was studying. I started to feel sick. I finally cut him off and said screw the coffee, we had to turn around. He looked surprised, but he complied and took me back to the fort (go Vols). But not before offering me a chance to join spaghetti western movie night with his roommates. I love a good spaghetti western and all, but not that much. To this day, I still can’t listen to Santana.”
05.) “After dinner, we came back to my place to smoke. My roommate was home in the living room, so we went inside my room. I didn’t close the door behind us because I didn’t want to give off a pervy, let’s-have-sex-now vibe. We sat on my floor, smoking and talking. We still hadn’t kissed yet; I was waiting for the moment to make my move. But I was nervous…and high. So as soon as there was a lull in the conversation, instead of putting my arm around her to kiss her, I put my arm around her and slowly leaned us both back so that we were laying on my floor. It was probably 5 times more awkward than it sounds. WE JUST LAID THERE. For 5 minutes. And then she said she had to go. #epicfail”
04.) “Direct quote from a date I was on with a guy who taught second-graders and always wore a Peewee Herman-esque bow tie: ‘I think I would give up women for a Mercedes Benz. And sex. I just reaaally want a Mercedes.'”
03.) “This girl and I had been texting for a while. She proposed a movie date and asked if it’d be okay if she brought friends. I assumed she meant a double date, right? This girl showed up to the theater with SIX FRIENDS. SIX. We couldn’t even fit in the same row. When I ran into her later, she said that the reason she didn’t call me was because I didn’t talk enough.”
02.) “He paid for dinner with 4 different gift cards.”
01.) “One time in college, I went on a date with a woman who told me that her parents found out after they got married that they were actually FIRST COUSINS! We only went out a few times after that…nah, just kidding, we didn’t go out again, that would be twisted. Can you even imagine meeting your “in-laws” only to find out they were actually your blood relatives? How do you not know? Did you go to the wedding and there was only one family?! Congrats Arkansas, you beat me.”