Did I say 10 animals that look like Trump’s toupee? I meant 10 pictures of ONE animal.

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Django, eating apple September 2014

Meet Django Untrained; the rabbit who was born with a toupee. You may have heard of him, he’s practically insta-famous, or at least I tried for a couple weeks last year.

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#instafamous @thedjangountrained

The crazy thing is, there are a lot of similarities between Django and the GOP nominee for this year’s election, Donald Trump. They have the same orange spray-tan coloration, the same sour-puss pout, and the same white circles around the eyes (presumably caused by spray tan mini-shades). And let’s not forget the main feature: both of these raging capitalists have an absurd amount of blonde-orange hair that can be molded into an impressive range of unnatural hairstyles.

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Wearing mini-shades during a spray tan can cause white circles around the eyes

So REALLY, this post is a collection of hairstyles sported by America’s two most-famous toupee wearers. Check ’em out, observe the pomp, and perhaps you’ll find a look that’s good for you, too. We think you’ll get all kinds of inspiration for your next toup-outing.


10. The Classic Duckbutt.


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Good for floating right through a conference full of hardball questions. You can basically wear any face underneath this thick-barrel bang curl and still give off the impression that you’re just diving for something deep, but you’ll return shortly.


9. The Fail Swoop. 


For the contemplative wearer, this hairstyle is made to promote laminar airflow for speedier pacing and more seriouser answers.


8. The Traveling Troglodyte


The style that says “Darling, I just ran through hell and back and airport security to tell you that I don’t want you to board that plane,” with a simultaneous “No rush to reply but like for real they’ll be here soon.” The incredible thing about this hairstyle is that it looks windswept, but it was actually carefully styled that way.


7. The Happy Helmet


After that last windstorm, Trump found shelter in a hairspray can. The toupee has been smoothed back safely out of what they call “airway traffic zones” and back into a functional bob. This makes papa happy. And so we call it The Happy Helmet. Banal, but bulletproof. (Yes, that is what a smile looks like. On both creatures.)


6. The In-Betweener


It’s like mullet-meets-rat tail(s). Business in the front; hardly in the back. Seriously, are these two smug narcissists related? They look like Mr. and Mrs. Smith in that final shootout scene. Back 2 back; partners 4 life.


5. The Goodboy Flathead


The Goodboy Flathead. If it’s a flat toupee, it’s only because it got smoothed down from all of the pets*.

*Django only lets pets come from himself because likes to know how his hair feels when he’s being petted.


4. The Fried Fluff


This classic Fried Fluff is the perfect contrast to the stark lines formed by facial features in Rembrandt lighting. Yes, The Collapsible Diffuser really softens the blow. PRO TIP: Try this look next time you’re standing behind a pedestal in a confusion face-off with a large confused crowd.


3. The Comb Way Over

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This one really puts the side in side part. Seriously, take a moment and locate the actual part on each of these creatures’ heads. It’s like someone yelled “Go long.” to a comb over. Good for: wearing crooked hats, making people think you’re looking straight right, and extending the smile to the crown of one’s head.


2. The Cold Cut


This is what we like to call “The Cold Cut.” It keeps its cool, even when the wearer doesn’t. Good for: hurricanes.


1. The Fuzzy Chick


This Fuzzy Chick look is the perfect way to remind onlookers that you’re just one of God’s little children, after all. It’s perfect for making: 1. mistakes 2. people look one way while you do something mischievous in the other 3. apologies to America for your fifth racist comment this month. Killer combo: suck your bottom lip into your overbite for the full Puritan Pout.

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Django Untrained, in sun hat. McCarren Park, July 2014

And there we have it. Do you know any animals who look like trump that we missed? Please leave photos in the comments section. We’d love to see more proof that Trump look-a-likes are only a… hare away!