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Mom: “Honey, how was your date last night? Did you have any big plans for **insert bae’s name**’s birthday?”
You: “Yeah, mom. It was a lot of fun. We… uhh… we went to a movie.”
OH, SURE. Your sexy date idea was a movie. Because going to a movie is so special and you get plenty of birthdays every year. You’re better than that, and your sig other thanks you for it. You know you didn’t go to a movie, but Mom doesn’t have to. If you’re looking for a fun way to spice things up for your better half, this is the list, Chicago. As for Mom, we trust you’ll know which word to cough over when you tell her you saw “Star Wars: A Nude Hope.”
Game of Thongs
“We went to see Game of Thongs.”
“Is that in the theaters? I thought it was a show on HB--”
“--Oh, it was a theater rendition. Good stuff. Anyway. How’s Dad?”
Yes, Lord Stark-Naked is an ACTUAL character in this show. Definitely sounds interesting. Definitely wouldn’t tell mom about this one.
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District of the Rising Sun
“We took a tour in the Red Light District. Saw some brothels."
“WHAT!”
“We took a tour of the Headlight District to see some autos.”
Of course, you might have to explain to her where this new fictional motor mile is, but you can always say it’s in Wicker Park. Mom hasn’t been there since the 80’s and she still thinks it’s dangerous.
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Star Wars: A Nude Hope
“We watched a burlesque version of Star Wars: A New Hope.”
“Burlesque? Is that French?”
“It sure is, Mom. It’s French for Christian.”
You can insert any religion above and this one works, really. However, if you suspect your mom already knows what a burlesque show is, or has access to the internet, we suggest the cough-over method -- or better yet, the ever-popular, quick change of subject.
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Bye Bye Liver
“We went to see Bye Bye Liver.”
“Oh? What’s that about? I haven’t been keeping up with Broadway…”
“It’s a live sketch-comedy show based around alcohol.”
In all truth, it’s best to be honest with your Mom. Especially when you’re a grown-ass man or woman who’s not even breaking the law. It’s your liver, and you’ll drink what you want! She should just be happy you’re not making pasties.
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West Side Pasty
“We took a class together where they taught us how to make and decorate pasties.”
“Pasties? What are pasties?”
“They’re… a baked good.”
This date idea looks super fun and you’re left with a sexy gift to take with! You’re also left in a real tight spot if Mom actually hears you took your date to this class. We offer the above detour if you do find yourself down the wrong proverbial road.
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You've Got Male
“We went to see naughty cabaret.”
“You WHO?”
“We went out to eat near Cloud Gate. You should really get your hearing checked, Mom!”
This fun twist on the traditional cabaret show (all-male!) also involves “naughty desserts” and changes script so often, no two viewings are the same; plenty of reason to go back time and time again. But eventually, Mom’s going to ask you for a rec near Cloud Gate. We suggest “The Gage.” You’re welcome.
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Cupid Has a Heart On
“He has a WHAT?”
“HEART, Mom, I said heart. Get your mind out of the gutter. It’s the longest running musical comedy in Chicago.”
This seems like as good a time as any to play dumb. If she’s not impressed by the ratings, she’ll be impressed that you at least took your date to the theater.
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Cheese! And Vino!
“We had wine and cheese.”
“Well that just sounds lovely.”
Honestly, this date idea isn’t as R-rated as the title suggests, but see how we censor ourselves with Mom? Basically, you’ll meet The Wine Goddess and receive a very thorough “unveiling” of various varietals. In fact -- bring Mom along! Maybe she’ll learn a little lesson along the way, like: you should never judge a book by its un-cover.
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