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NYC Preparation Guide for the Impending Sharknado

NYC Preparation Guide for the Impending Sharknado

If you haven’t heard, a sharknado is set to obliterate NYC in 2014. Weathermen say the best defense is to remain indoors, in the lowest, windowless part of a sturdy building. Here, we disagree. Unlike previous disasters like Sandy, that time with the Green Goblin, and everything other time with Marvel Universe, this event’s set not only to bring mass destruction, but also heavy flooding, high winds, and sharks. As our cityscape quickly deteriorates into shark food, you’ll need to know how to prepare yourself for the impending doom--basic survival tactics.

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    Knife Skills
    Knife Skills

    Institute of Culinary Education

    Knowing how to use knives skillfully is the foundation of call cooking...and destroying a sharknado shark by shark. Some may say attacking a sharknado by knife is a bit dicey, but, however you slice it, knives work. These sharp blades easily penetrate the shark’s cartilage coating, slowly collapsing the ‘nado. If you’re brave enough to enter the eye of the storm, do it with a knife.

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    Krav Maga - All Levels
    Krav Maga - All Levels

    Remember when Fin dove into the belly of the beast--LITERALLY!--and chainsawed the animal open, rescuing Matt’s love Nova? Imagine if he didn’t have a chainsaw around his shoulder. What if he needed to rely on ninja tricks to save Matt’s beloved? Fighting a sharknado requires knowledge of a basic combat system. Krav Maga combines a highly-touted self-defense ideology with full-blown attacking skills like high kicks, low kicks, Chuck Norris level roundhouse kicks. At this point, the sharknado should fear you!

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    Whitewater Rafting -- Upper West Side
    Whitewater Rafting -- Upper West Side

    Discover Outdoors

    Where’s the safest place to hide from a tornado? A basement. But this isn’t no Oklahoma style tornado, this is a SHARKNADO! Ain’t nothing safe. As the sea and sharks synergize forming a colossal storm strong enough to destroy NYC, you’re gonna need to learn how to handle the elements because this storm ain’t playin’. With water running through Lower Manhattan, you better know how to beat the current and stay afloat. A crash-course in White Water Rafting provides the fundamental knowledge about paddling some of the toughest waters in the world. And you’re gonna need this knowledge when a whirlwind of sharks nip at your FACE!

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    Intro to Improv
    Intro to Improv

    Chicago City Limits

    When the ‘nado hits, unexpected things will happen, and you need to know how to instantly react. A simple improv classes ensures the intuition to react quickly and effectively. Although this isn’t an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway? where a funny comment about cats meowing can save a life, it should teach you when a good time to dive into a shark’s gullet is and isn’t.

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    Woodworking Workshop: The Cutting Board
    Woodworking Workshop: The Cutting Board

    3rd Ward

    Survival of the fittest, survival of the smartest, or survival of the most resourceful? Using the elements to your advantage is essential when the sharknado bursts from the ocean. Trees will fall, houses destroyed and you can be the one to transform horror into lifesaver. Take a house and build a raft. Grab some lumber and concoct spear. Or even take a 2x4 and shove it down a shark’s throat. Resourcefulness always wins.

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    Intro to Homebrewing
    Intro to Homebrewing

    For when you know it’s the end, brew some beer. A lot of beer.

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