So you want to go on a date. Fantastic. You’re young, passionate, with a heart set wide open to receive love and all its adornments. You’re excited -- full of optimism. You, the proverbial Don Juan of Philadelphia, sit at the precipice of your night, yearning to make the best possible impression and let the plications of evening romance unfold henceforth.
There’s just one problem -- your combat skills are embarrassingly rusty. Maybe you have no combat experience at all.
Many, perhaps most, will say this makes you unworthy of love. It is fortunate for you, then, that many, perhaps most, people have been wrong before.
The truth is, you have options.
Your best bet? Combine courtship with combat training. Get sweaty. Get fit. Get up close and personal. Hone the skills you’ll need to defend your honor and that of your partner when the time comes. Your date will love you, and Philadelphia will fear you.
You are a warrior -- a warrior of love. Don’t forget it.
Let’s face it -- “The City of Brotherly Love” can sometimes be “The City of Brotherly Violent Criminal Activity,” depending on where you’re walking and what time of night it is. This isn’t unique to Philly, of course, but if you live in a bustling urban environment, you’ll feel more at ease when you’re equipped with the tools to handle a physical altercation in such a setting.
Learn to neutralize an attacker with your bare fists, but also with common metropolitan items such as knives, darts, bricks, and trash can lids.
Fear is no aphrodisiac, but preparedness certainly is.Urban Defense Fitness Center
Jazz up your fight life AND your sex life with techniques used by professional MMA competitors. You and your date will practice maneuvers and counters designed to gain tactical advantages in position and leverage, including maneuvers to lock an opponent into submission.
Learn some of the most effective, real-world self-defense techniques available and let things get steamy on the mat in the process.
Nothing says “I’m really enjoying our time together” like a flawlessly executed figure four compression lock.Competitive Edge
Presumably, you already know how to wield a sword with reasonable effectiveness -- you wouldn’t have survived this long otherwise. BUT on the unlikely chance that you don’t, this class will sharpen your skills.
Learn the “Way of the Warrior” as you and your partner exercise different forms and perfect your moves. Use foam or wooden dummy swords to train without fear of slicing somebody’s arm off. Practice the moral code of the Samurai and practice kissing between skirmishes.
Note: There is no official rule against kissing, but it is advised that you should “not be too gross about it.”Competitive Edge
Okay -- you’ve mastered swords. Now it’s time for you and your hot date to master the use of firearms.
Granted, these aren’t real firearms -- more like air rifles loaded with paint. The concept is roughly the same, though. Treat this like a training exercise and you and your partner won’t be caught off guard next time you find yourself in a Friday night firefight, clinging for your lives against the relentless onslaught of bullets hurtling past your heads.
Suit up, get dirty, and prepare to meet the challenges of armed combat. Make it through the three-hour assault, unscathed, and you’ll be more than prepared to handle the challenges of love.AC Paintball
Maybe none of the above is for you. Maybe you’re a lover, not a fighter, and have no interest in pursuing both, simultaneously. Maybe you’ve gone through this entire list thinking “jeez, this whole combat thing seems like it entails a lot of physical maneuvering and I’ve been experiencing lower back pain for the past three weeks. Seems like a bit much for me to handle at the moment, though, if possible, I would still like to go out on a date without embarrassing myself. Also, I have weak arms.”
Luckily, there’s an option for you too.
Plan a date to Lancaster’s Amish Country for a relaxed, old-timey, violence-free touring experience. Visit an Amish homestead, shop in Amish stores and bakeries, and Watch an F/X theater presentation of Jacob’s Choice, all with minimal risk to your physical safety and that of your partner. Say what you will about them, but the Amish are peaceful folk.
Get ready to party like it’s 1789. No combat experience required (though it probably wouldn’t hurt).Philadelphia Trolley Works